So this morning as I was sudding up my damaged locks (I need a haircut SUPER bad) I turned around and saw a relatively large black ant fighting his way up the side of my outdated light-blue tub. Immediately I said outloud,
“ohhh noooo, poor little guy! Find higher ground, you can do it.”
I watched him closely and carefully, applauding his efforts and wincing with every setback. I was entranced with this little guy’s own Oregon Trail adventure. At one point I was incapable of monitoring my insect friend when banishing yesterday’s makeup with eyes closed. After I was done splashing my face I turned around and was horrified to see my new bathroom neighbor thrashing about in the bottom of the tub in a tidal wave of water and soap.
“Nooooooo!” I screamed as I dove down, craddling his body in my two hands. For a brief second I prayed that he wasn’t a biting ant but then resumed my rescue efforts. I looked around me, desperately trying to find the right place to lay him out, but every surface was wet. I blew on his limp body and then saw my towel that was half hazardly thrown over the side of my sliding shower doors.
I quickly put my hand over the green fluffy Costco special and watched him drag his body onto the dry and soft surface. He laid there for a while, catching his breath. And then he started exploring the new terrain. I was relieved to see all of his limbs were intact and still functional.
But then I realized I needed that big towel. I was wet and now cold after turning off the water. The ant and I would have to share it, easy enough.
I reached for the corner closest to me and began to pat my arm. I needed more towel and the ant was coming closer to me. “Noo, go the other way! You’re taking up the whole thing. You need to learn how to share! I just saved your life! UGH” I decided I needed to exit the shower and use the half dangling over the other side. I patted myself off as best I could and threw on my yellow robe.
“A towel is not an ideal home sweetie. I’ve got just the place for you! I bet you’re hungry.”
I reached out my pruned palms to let him climb on but after he smelled me with his little antlers he ran the other way. I assumed he associated my hands with dying in the great lake of my tub, but it still hurt my feelings. So I went and grabbed a kleenex and coaxed him on that. I jogged naked into the kitchen and set him down on our less than clean floor next to the garbage. “There you go! Feast away buddy. You’re safe now.”
I finished getting ready for work with a big smile on my face and got into my car. I was a hero. A regular Mother Teresa!
I rolled the window down to let the fresh Los Angeles morning air in. At the stop light as I was turning the Ryan Seacrest morning show up louder a gnat came flying into my face. Immediately I wacked it, looked at its lifeless body in my hand, muttered, “eewww” and then wiped it on the side of my driver’s seat.
The irony of this morning didn’t occur to me until I reached work.
Lucky ant, Unlucky gnat.