Maybe it’s the California sun or Jennifer Aniston’s body but something motivated me to go to my very first yoga class today. I wasn’t a complete novice… I had seen a few videos and even participated in the hotbox yoga, Bikram, twice while living in Barcelona. But in all reality I don’t know downward dog from sideface pigeon. I felt confident though, I’m long and somewhat lean, how hard could basic stretching be? I was so excited last night that I even looked at target.com to see what the going rate for yoga mats is.
This morning I woke up feeling less confident. Maybe I should wait a bit, maybe I’m not ready for yoga? I was less afraid of farting and more afraid of the pretentious downward doggers that would be surrounding me in a claustrophobic room. But the giant sand hill that once was my fitness friend has turned violent with the coming of summer. Its sand scorches the bottom of my feet and I can’t bear to wear shoes, all that sand in there, it’s just horrible. So… yoga here I come.
I arrived early, dressed in what I deemed appropriate yoga attire, leggings and a tank top. I was surprised to see that there weren’t many people. I read on their website that these donate only classes (suggested amount $12) were always really full and to arrive twenty minutes early. A lady with a cute baby sat next to me on the right. Then another woman came in with a baby.. and another, and another.
Wait.. this IS the yoga level 1 class, right?
Nope, once again I have outdone myself, misread the schedule and now am waiting for the Mommy and Me yoga class. I considered leaving but the woman on my right urged me to stay saying I’d still benefit from it. I did build myself up for this yoga today, so I stayed.
At least it will be easy. How hard can a yoga class be when there are a bunch of babies? I lay my mat down, following the circular set up of the room. Wow, there are a lot of babies here, and they are loud. Oh, that baby is super cute! I hope my babies are cute, how shitty to have an ugly baby, like that baby over there, sad. Ok, enough judging babies, after all the point of yoga is to leave our heads and focus on our breath and bodies. Our teacher comes in, she’s pregnant. She asks us if anyone is new. I raise my hand, “Hi, I’m new, and I don’t have a baby.” Some of the women smile, a few giggle. The instructor says, “Don’t worry, although I must warn you this class is going to be loud and chaotic.” I’m getting the picture. As I look around kids are crawling, running, screaming. The kid on my right is picking his nose and wiping it on his mom’s mat. Perfect.
We start with a few breathing exercises. So this is downward dog… okay, not so bad. Wow, I’m a natural. Wait, where am I supposed to put my leg? Oh crap, I can’t hear what this lady is saying over these damn kids. Oww, this really hurts. I am so not flexible. Oh yeah, breathing, in, out, okay. What? No I can’t do that! Wait, is that lady over there on her back holding her baby with her toes? Warrior posing, I am a warrior. Yes, breathing. Now it’s time to do upside down time? These moms are super humans! That Asian lady is standing on her head. And that mommy is doing it too! Crap. I am trying, okay, the teacher sees I am struggling she is telling me to put my knees under my armpits, lean into my arms and levitate, resting all pressure on my arms. Hah, yeah right. I “levitate” for three second and proceed to fall flat on my face which hurts. I wait for this part to be over. We do some more leg stretches, I am sweating. I look at the clock, is it over yet? Meanwhile kids are crying, a woman on my left just got hit in the head with a toy some little boy threw. The instructor is chasing after some boy named Hudson. I look up and notice the lights are turning on and off. Then I see the little girl who has found the light switch. I am exhausted.
Finally she tells us to lay back and breath. It’s over. I lie there, reflecting on my yoga.
The mommies are all very nice and not pretentious at all, that was a relief. Maybe I will try this again, minus the babies.
I overhear one of the other women talk about a Tuesday class with a hot instructor. Apparently this hot yoga instructor makes her blush especially when he adjusts her posture in her poses. She tells her friend that she almost feels guilty after class when she goes home to her husband. Now that’s interesting…
At least I have zero guilt leaving Mommy and Me, just a sore back and bruised forehead.