I have had several of you contact me, asking me to blog that little e-mail I sent out over a year ago, titled, “A Romantic Getaway.”
(ex boyfriend, keep that in mind)
Here it is…
Aaaahhh nothing like a little Spanish romance, or something like that.
When my Spanish boyfriend asked me to spend the weekend with him in the south of France in his family’s flat I was overjoyed! Images of croissants, candles and sappy accordion music filled my head. Not to mention it meant a two-hour car ride together, laughing, chatting and singing along to bad Spanish music.
Okay, here is the reality of said weekend:
Pau asked me if I liked snowboarding. Hhhhmmmm, let’s see from what I could remember I did enjoy it the two times I went over five years ago, I think. I nodded yes and told him I had gone before. He said, ‘perrrfect, vee goo to me hoouuwse in sza souf ov fraance for snowieebord.’ I then told him that I had no winter clothes with me like snow pants and mittens etc… to which he replied, ‘ Ooo eets okay, vee use zee closses uv my seester.’ Good, that was settled. There was one minor problem though; I had to work Saturday morning giving a class to one of my students. But we agreed we would simply leave after my class was over around two in the afternoon.
Saturday arrived and I woke up super early to make sure I had adequate time to shave, lotion and fragrance myself for the day’s trip. Then Pau calls me at 1:30 to tell me he is going to go surfing in a nearby village, so we won’t be leaving until later. That was fine, I still needed to pack but I was jealous he was going to the beach without me. Little did I know “later” was Spanish for “in eight hour’s time”! Skip ahead to a crabby, tired, impatient Leah at 10 pm getting in Pau’s car. I am starving and tell him that we need to stop for dinner. He is so excited that I say this because there is a futbol game on television (team Barcelona) and he wants to watch it. So we stop at a bar and eat a sandwich and I am forced to watch stupid soccer, oh excuse me, FUTBOL, for another hour and a half. We finally get on the road and there is little laughter or chatting, only bad Spanish music, which is not amusing at the time. It’s pitch dark but I can tell that wherever we are it must be incredibly beautiful because there are large mountain like things surrounding us and the roads are very curvy. I see small villages lit up in deep valleys and wonder what all of those people are doing. I sleep for a while and wake up to see that we are crossing the border into France, yes, finally, my romantic weekend is going to start!! We drive into a very small, cute French village called Font Remou and soon we are at his flat. It’s cold and late but I manage to get a little excited to see the famous “piso”.
The flat was not exactly what I imagined… take the decoration of an 80’s RV and mix it with a badly lit pay by the hour motel. The place was freezing, so he turned on the heat as I looked in dismay at our “romantic” weekend flat. At least there was running water! He made a bed on the pull out futon, great…a futon with an ugly orange comforter that looks like it has been peed on at least a half a dozen times… well let’s just say, again… the night… not romantic!
The next day we get up early and I am excited for snowboarding. I look outside and see for the first time, in daylight, the huge beautiful mountains! They are absolutely stunning. Pau hands me his sister’s snow clothes and I put them on…hhhmmm, it seems Pau’s sister is quite possibly a dwarf. The pants were embarrassingly too short, along with the sleeves to the matching coat. Pau laughed at me, I laughed at me, and then I thought, oh shit…all that fuckn snow is gonna be going down my socks! We drove to Andorra and rented boots. I asked the man for the tallest boots he had, he looked at my pants and nodded without cracking a smile. I managed to pull the snowpants over the boots but as soon as I bent my knees they were up exposing my shins again. We stopped for a quick breakfast and then got on the lift to hit the slopes. The Pyranees mountains are a little bit more intense than Afton Alps of Minnesota. I was sure I was going to pee myself on the ski lift! My ears popped as we traveled up the slope for 30 minutes! Finally at the top, my stomach was doing flips. Then Pau says, ‘ok leeet’s go’… easily said.
FALL, BAM, BOOM, WHAM…. over and over and over again!!!! I must have fallen at least thirty times. And the whole time Pau is just laughing and saying, ‘Baaabbbeeee you haf ta steeer yorrr boorrrd.’ Thanks, great instruction, asshole. He would easily board down in front of me a ways and then simply stand and wait for me as I fell, got up, fell, went down a bit, fell, got up etc… I was finally getting the hang of it even though I was sure I had broken every part of my body. Then it hits me… all of the slopes we had gone on, including the first one had big signs that were red. RED meaning ADVANCED. THANKS PAU… so kind of you to shove my ass down the hard hill without starting on the three lower levels! By now I hate his assface and I am simply trying to stay alive as I fly down the hill. It starts snowing and I have no goggles and I am sure I am going to die. I scream and flail my arms about and somewhere in the background I can hear the laughter of boys overhead watching my death come about. I slam into ice and land hard. By now, my body is immune to the slope’s concrete and I pop back up to die once again. When I finally make it to the bottom, I tell Pau that 2 hours of snowboarding has been enough for me, and where the hell is the lodge because I need a beer! I then leave his ass and go the lodge where thank god, they have BEER.
The next hour is glorious as I sit by myself sipping a San Miguel watching other people die. Pau tells me that he will be back by 4:30 because that is when it closes. I get kicked out of the lodge at 4. I wait for thirty minutes outside on the deck… no Pau… I wait another thirty minutes while my limbs start to freeze, no PAU!!! Finally He shows up an hour later!!!!! I am cold, sore, and I am crabby because my ass is wet from all the snow that has been lodged up there! We have to snowboard down another hill to get to the car, I only manage to fall once!!! I did get better!!! We get in the car and he says, ‘ Now I vill shooww youu Andorra vecuuz et esss sooo perrty’ I am thinking, ok a little car ride is fine, my ass is wet, but at least it is warm now that we are in the car. We get into Andorra, which is beautiful, and he parks the car. We get out and walk a bit and I say, ‘where are we going?’ to which he replies, ‘Vee are gooing shooopping!’ WHAT NO, I am walking around with snowpants up to my knees and little moccassins, hobbling, because my body feels like it was hit by a semi, and my ASS is wet! I do not want to SHOP! I tell him this. He makes me sit while he looks at shoes for thirty minutes, I hate my life at this time… Finally we leave (with no shoes) and I am thinking about all the different ways I can kick his stupid Spanish ass. We get back to the ugly flat and I take a shower, the best shower of my life!!! My right knee has swelled up and gone red by now, lovely. I am starving, so we go get dinner. At least we ate at a nice place and had good French fondue (the highlight of the trip). It is Sunday and we should head back. It is ten pm but we are both exhausted so we sleep on the nasty 80’s futon, wake up at 4 am, get in the car and drive back to Barcelona in pitch dark. So AGAIN I was unable to see the beautiful scenery on our two-hour drive. We get into Barcelona and he walks me to my door, it is now 6:30 am, he leans in a gives me a kiss and says “baabeeee I haft sooo much Fun veeth you dis weeken, I vill miss you dis week vhile I em vorkieeing in Madrid.” I barely kiss him and thank the Lord that he is going to be gone, out of my sights for a whole week! I climb into my bed to sleep for two hours before I have to get up and hobble to work.
Oh and if I wasn’t already in a bad mood on Monday from my “romantic weekend”, here is the kicker…. while getting ready for work, I knocked my makeup bag (which was on the sink counter) into the damn toilet.. and guess what- it still had pee in it!!! Have you ever fished out your makeup from a pool of your own urine? I have IT’S AWESOME!!!!
So now it is Wednesday, my body is more sore than Monday, and I still need to buy new makeup that isn’t urine soaked….but there is some good news- The Backstreet Boys are coming to Barcelona on April 27th! I didn’t even know they were still together.