A girlfriend of mine recently asked me why men no longer open doors for women.
Her question was a valid one seeing as I had been a victim of the rude door in your face (the only evidence left behind, the scent of his poorly chosen cologne). Or my personal favorite: the man who rushes past you to the door only to enter and not to open and hold it for you.
As an observant woman I have long been aware that men only have one arm. Where is their other arm you ask? Where it has been since the age of Adam, on their dick. We accept this and do not dare to bat an eyelash at the mass population of males constantly adjusting, scratching and holding their johnsons, both in public and in private. But even with an arm occupied with one’s member there is another to open doors, right? So what has happened to the free arm?
This was answered quite simply one morning in a hotel room as I was lying next to my boyfriend. He was busy chatting away to some business colleague of his and I was pondering the day’s events when suddenly the answer was right in front of me. The blackberry! There he was, the perfect male specimen… one hand down his underwear and the other cradling his precious blackberry. I watched in utter amusement at my armless boyfriend and knew that I had solved my girlfriend’s mystery. A society of armless men, desperately clinging to their two most prized possessions: genitals and gigabytes.
A few days later, after my Nancy Drew epiphany, I journeyed to the Mall’s Macy’s entrance and a most peculiar thing happened. A man rushed past me towards the door. I was no spring chicken and began speed walking in an attempt to beat the SOB. His longer legs secured his win. But, wait. He was stopping. Could it be? Yes, the man opened the door, held it open! When I turned and gave him a heartfelt thank you he simply replied, “no need to thank, it’s what a man ought to do.” And just like that his fast long legs whisked him away to the Men’s department. In a moment of elation I wondered if in fact men did still have arms.
Nope, his blackberry must be broken.