Literally Leah

sharing is caring, so I obviously care a lot.

The case of the armless man… open the door please! March 24, 2009

Filed under: Men — The Under-Analyst @ 5:49 am



Itch my johnson or open the door? hhhmmm

Itch my johnson or open the door? hhhmmm



A girlfriend of mine recently asked me why men no longer open doors for women.


Her question was a valid one seeing as I had been a victim of the rude door in your face  (the only evidence left behind, the scent of his poorly chosen cologne). Or my personal favorite: the man who rushes past you to the door only to enter and not to open and hold it for you.

 As an observant woman I have long been aware that men only have one arm.  Where is their other arm you ask?  Where it has been since the age of Adam, on their dick.  We accept this and do not dare to bat an eyelash at the mass population of males constantly adjusting, scratching and holding their johnsons, both in public and in private. But even with an arm occupied with one’s member there is another to open doors, right? So what has happened to the free arm? 

This was answered quite simply one morning in a hotel room as I was lying next to my boyfriend.  He was busy chatting away to some business colleague of his and I was pondering the day’s events when suddenly the answer was right in front of me.  The blackberry!  There he was, the perfect male specimen… one hand down his underwear and the other cradling his precious blackberry.  I watched in utter amusement at my armless boyfriend and knew that I had solved my girlfriend’s mystery.  A society of armless men, desperately clinging to their two most prized possessions: genitals and gigabytes.

 A few days later, after my Nancy Drew epiphany, I journeyed to the Mall’s Macy’s entrance and a most peculiar thing happened.  A man rushed past me towards the door. I was no spring chicken and began speed walking in an attempt to beat the SOB.  His longer legs secured his win.  But, wait.  He was stopping.  Could it be? Yes, the man opened the door, held it open! When I turned and gave him a heartfelt thank you he simply replied, “no need to thank, it’s what a man ought to do.” And just like that his fast long legs whisked him away to the Men’s department. In a moment of elation I wondered if in fact men did still have arms. 

 Nope, his blackberry must be broken. 


2 Responses to “The case of the armless man… open the door please!”

  1. Yoshi Says:

    I always hold doors for girls. Why? Because that’s what my mom taught me I was supposed to do. I do have one question though. At he mall or movies which door am I supposed to hold the outer door or the inner door? Perplexed

  2. Bryan Says:

    I am hesitant to hold doors anymore, despite the tounge lashing I would certainly receive from my grandmother if she ever found out. While in high school I rushed ahead of a woman at a mall to open the door for her, much in the same way your prince charming did for you. Instead of a thoughtful word of thanks she stopped halfway through the door opening and turned around to slap me on the face. She said “just because I am a woman does not mean that I can’t open my own fucking door”. Women, such as her, take the fun and duty out of chivalry. I will from time to time open a door, but only when I can properly guard against attack.

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